officialunitedstates:

where do streets get their names.  do they have middle names or last names.  who are their parents.  did they receive a quality education

officialunitedstates:

'unlimited buffet' but what they dont tell you is you cant dress up like santa and put all the food in the bag you lug around without them throwing a fit

officialunitedstates:

FACT OF THE DAY:  stonehenge was made just to be a cool place to hang out by the rocks and talk about life with your buds

officialunitedstates:

introverts:  help their friends move to new house

extroverts:  destroy their friend’s new house with a tractor and bowling ball

officialunitedstates:

date a girl who won’t go on dates with you because she’s too busy reading a book

officialunitedstates:

Sending a winky face is sexting and you’re going to jail

officialunitedstates:

*punches a rock*

it’s a simile

officialunitedstates:

FACT OF THE DAY: 

introverts: help shovel neighbors driveways, smile at elderly folks

extroverts:  throw snowball through glass windows, eat the snowman raw

batreaux:

You bump into a man on the subway wearing a trenchcoat. You apologize and he responds “Its alright. We’re only human. All of us. All of us here are human. Yep. Very human. I’m probably the most human here! You betcha.” and then the trenchcoat falls and the figure collapses and roughly 1000 salamanders scatter around the train 

religiousmom:

butnotfreeman:

religiousmom:

the cigarette thing in the fault in our stars is so dumb you are wasting your money on an industry that is one of the largest causes of cancer just so you can make some lame ass far fetched metaphor

NO YOU ARE INCORRECT AND CLOSE MINDED ON SO MANY LEVELS

are you suggesting that it is close minded to say that cigarettes are a leading cause of cancer

spacetwinks:

dwayne “the rock” johnson shows up at my bed in the hospital, smiling somewhat awkwardly, trying to comfort me. after a long inhale, and a longer sigh, he walks directly up to me and gently holds my shoulder, whispering softly “wrestling isn’t real.” i flatline immediately

I want to roll over at 2 a.m. to a kiss from you not a text message
(via wanksclub)

dad:why are you smoking weed

me:its a metaphor dude

dad:ooh ok we cool

religiousdad:

*sticks ten cigarettes in my ass* it’s a metaphor

fascinates:

people who make you feel better about yourself when you’re sad are so important 

©